Desiderium, it amost sounds like some magickal spell from Harry Potter! You cast your spell and poof! Snap, crackle, pop and bam - you have exactly what you've been longing for in front of your very eyes! How I wish that were so. How I wish that were actual reality.
Fourteen days ago my beloved Sparky came up missing. It's been utter chaos, madness, downright hell. And that barely describes the plethora of thoughts and emotions that have swept through and over me. And to top it all off, my beautiful kitty Raven also went missing 2 days ago. I love all of my furbabies as much as my human children. They aren't just pets, they're family. They're truly my babies.
Desiderium... it carries the meaning of having feelings for something that we no longer have, and wish very much that we did. Right now I long for my babies. I long to have them back safely in my arms again, snuggling them, loving them. I'd trade almost anything in the world to have them back. And until they come home to me, this will continue to be my wish.
This unfortunately is not the first time I've lost a furbaby. I was 6 years old when we had to give our puppy up for adoption because we couldn't afford the medicines she needed. And years later my kitty Missy died of old age. Then Crazy left us, Coco, Oscar, then my beloved Storm... now my Sparkmaster and Raven are gone. You'd think I'd be used to the feeling. Yet somehow, it hits harder and digs deeper every time. It somewhat reminds me of a line from Practical Magic, "I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon."
I truly don't want to believe it. Yet it feels like there is a piece inside of me that is broken. Cracked and shattered, can't quite be put back together again in the right way. Yes, all of this seems quite dramatic. Yes, some think it's excessive to feel so deeply, intensely, about an animal. But I don't care. I am 100% allowed to feel what I feel.
I realize this is all part of my own personal grieving process. Little bits by little bits I'll be able to breathe more each day. Some days I'll wake up crying, and others I'll feel more ready to take on the world. Just right now, I'm hurting and I need to allow space for that hurt and to process it.
Until recently I never allowed for that space. I choked it down, I didn't speak about it, just pretty much ignored it and "did what I needed to do". That's how I was raised - to be tough and that weakness was not an option. However I've realized that emotions are not a weakness. They're the compass of our soul. Emotions are how our soul guides us through this world, if we'll simply stop and listen.
The other day my brother said in conversation "The point of life is not happiness. Life is about how much you can endure and keep on moving forward." I disagree. Why? Because for one, life is different for everyone. We all have different lessons to learn, and so what life is about for one human is not necessarily what it is about for another. I also disagree because I'm all too familiar with pain and suffering. And what that pain and suffering has shown me is that we should drink in every ounce of happiness that we can. Every ounce of joy, love, laughter and delight that sprouts up - appreciate it, be grateful for it, and submerse yourself completely in the moment of it. Even if it lasts only a few seconds.
Yes tragedy happens in life. People, pets, and things all come and go. We love and we lose. We work so damn hard and don't hit that goal. We want to scream from the depths of our soul at times. Yeah, life gets downright fucking brutal at times. But here's the thing - we're always going to wake up the next day. Until we don't. And until that day comes, we have to move forward as best we can. Maybe that's what my brother meant?
Either way, I do know this. Pain demands to be felt. So process your grief, from wherever or whatever situation it may come from. Allow the space and time to feel it all - without shame, without judgement - feel it all. Because I can tell you this, there is a light on the other side. It does get better. You just have to allow yourself to go through the process of getting there. I myself am slowly going through this process. Slowly and lovingly...
I truly hope this helps whoever may need it. And to whoever may need it, know that you are not alone.
Much love to all,